TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
