My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
