By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
A+ Viking dick
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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