Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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