it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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