I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
