He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My vagina just recognized that song.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
