There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's blow job season.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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