that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
