We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
