I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
