While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
