I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
