I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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