I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
