i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
