I can tuck mytits in my pants
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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