Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
