Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
