I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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