Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
