I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
