remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
