You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
