I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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