who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
