every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
a search helicopter?!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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