He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
