Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
