i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
