a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
