I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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