Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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