Please don't use social media to get back at me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
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After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
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I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake