Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
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Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
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Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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