At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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