i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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