I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize