when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
