You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
