new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
