brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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