I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
