JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
