Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
