Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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