the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
