I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
