Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
