I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
