Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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