I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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