You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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