come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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