eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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