I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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