I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
