im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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