Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
