i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
