His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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