we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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