lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
